The story starts in the 1800s when Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) spurned the love of a witch, Angelique (Eva Green), because of his love for Josette (Bella Heathcote). Angelique makes Josette jump off a cliff then curses Barnabas to be a vampire, imprisoning him inside his casket under the ground for 200 years.
The story then shifts to a young woman, Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote again), in 1972. She applies at the gothic Collinwood Mansion in Maine to be the governess of a young boy, David (Gulliver MacGrath, Young Tabard in “Hugo”), who claims to see and talk to his dead mother.
The matriarch of Collinwood is now Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), a single mom with a teenage daughter (Chloe Grace Moretz of “Let Me In”). Her widowed brother, Roger (Johnny Lee Miller), is the boy’s father. Also living with them is David’s psychiatrist, Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter, Tim Burton’s real life wife).
Barnabas is freed from his grave by chance and returns to their home aiming to restore the fortunes of their once illustrious fishing-magnate family. It turns out Angelique is also still alive and now their main rival. She’s still in love with Barnabas but he rejects her again as the governess Victoria is the spitting image of his long lost love.
The movie version just doesn’t work simply because its script is a sorry mess. It couldn’t make up its mind whether it’ll be a serious tribute to the former TV series or it’ll be a campy parody ala-“Rocky Horror Picture Show”, “The Munsters” or “Addams Family”. They often inject campy humor, like when Barnabas springs from his grave, sees the giant M of MacDonalds and says it’s M for Mephistopheles. Somehow, the serious tone and the campiness don’t jell well together.
But the movie does succeed in using period music, notably songs of The Carpenters and there’s even a footage of the late Karen Carpenter singing. Alice Cooper also appears live doing a concert, singing his own songs. Barnabas and Angelique are shown doing an over-the-top sex scene that eclipses the wedding night in “Twilight”. They roll on walls and on the ceiling, destroying so many things in the process, while a Barry White song is played in the background.
Even Johnny Depp is a major disappointment. After getting an Oscar-nomination for his portrayal of the drunken Captain Jack in “Pirates of the Caribbean”, Depp’s performances seem to be getting more and more weird, like in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and “Sweeney Todd”. He now portrays Barnabas like a gay who refuses to come out of his closet. His co-stars are also wasted, notably Michelle, Chloe and Helena. The one who really shines here is Eva Greene who smoulders and lights up the screen as the vampy Angelique, but even her performance is not enough to save the movie.
